this morning i sat in the sunshine at my desk, drinking tea w/soy milk & honey, watching my kittens run around crazily - from the kitchen to their tree house to the bathtub. i hope the downstairs neighbors don't hate us. let's be real.. they probably do.
my phone rang - it was an area code that i didn't recognize.. so i forwarded it to voicemail. lately, i have been receiving weird calls from businesses who saw my resume on career builder & want to meet with me for a sales position. this one company called me twice, texted me AND emailed me - all in the same day. when i googled their name, i found a whole discussion board dedicated to their scam. even if it wasn't a scam, i still wouldn't meet with them. nowhere in my resume/qualifications/etc. does it say that i should be working in sales. it's just not me. do i know how to sell things? sure. am i terrific at it? not really, because it is not something i want to do.
am i being too picky?
i miss being a part of something, though - working all day & feeling accomplished, whether it's at school or at work. but other times i don't hate being unemployed. i get time to watch the rachael ray show/the nate berkus show/the ellen show, to read, workout, photog & blog. then when adam gets home, we have time to cook dinner, watch our shows or go out. and if i ever want to meet someone for coffee or lunch, i'm able to. it's not too bad.
what i'm trying to say is... drumroll please... i am finally okay with being unemployed.
i recently read a book [poser by claire dederer] about a forty year old mother/wife who used yoga as an escape from her life. she struggled with childhood anxiety from her parents unnatural 'divorce' and the urge to be perfect - the perfect mother by buying organic food & toys ; the perfect wife by working from home to take care of everything ; the perfect woman by staying fit, judging others & driving the biggest SUV. but after a couple years of continuous yoga practice which practically became therapy, claire realized that perfection and judgment were contributing to her life in a negative way. she said "it was interesting to think that when judgment fell away, what you ended up with was clarity".
i judge. A LOT. i judge what people wear, say, do, act, etc. but more than anything, i judge myself. i judge that i am an unemployed 23 year old doing nothing with her life. i have set so many high expectations for myself, that i judge myself for not hitting all of them. but when i read this particular line in claire's book, i stopped in my tracks. is this judging bringing me happiness? no. it's only bringing me more stress and pressure. i am only twenty three years old. why am i in such a hurry?
i should be savoring these moments of sunshine & kitty watching, instead of beating myself up.