faith.

while leafing through some old fiction novels this morning, i stop at a high school favorite - a prayer for owen meany by john irving [one of the best authors of all time, in my opinion]. i quickly flip through the pages so i can smell that old musty book smell, and end up stopping at page 451.

"no, i'm not wrong - she's there, i know she's there!" i yelled at him.

"you absolutely know she's there - even though you can't see her?" he asked me. "YES!" i screamed.

"well, now you know how i feel about god", said owen meany. "i can't see him - but i absolutely know he is there!"

the past couple weeks i have been thinking about and questioning everything regarding god and religion. when i was little, i resented going to church. when i was in my teens, i resented god because it seemed he took away everyone i cared for. now in my twenties, i resent not knowing anything about... anything. therefore, i have started reading a lot about different beliefs and asking my friends and family about theirs, just so i can start the process of learning what and what not i believe in.

faith, on the other hand, is a little more tricky to learn about and believe in - especially for someone who doesn't have much faith in anything. how does someone get it? how do you know something exists, when there isn't much concrete proof? how do you believe the proof, in the first place? i am someone who needs to see to believe.

it's too bad owen meany himself couldn't jump out from beyond the pages, sit me down and explain his feelings and faith to me.