things i'm afraid to tell you.

[via]

you should know that i reinvented this blog for the sake of keeping the posts creative and consistent. i decided i didn't want to bombard anyone with personal stories or problems, because i want this to be a positive and inspirational site for everyone who reads it. and it has been, for the most part, and i have been so humbled by all the response i've gotten. sometimes, however, people get so caught up by what i'm posting, they don't realize i'm a normal person with normal problems - they have misconceptions that my life is all pictures, clothes, thrifting and diys.

while i wish this were true, it's not.

this post is something that i have been trying to write for over a month. i've started it about four times, but each time i get afraid or forget exactly where i'm going with it, so i just hit the delete button. it finally took two [one/two] brave blog posts to push me to write this for the fifth time - by joining the 'things i'm afraid to tell you' movement.

ready? deep breath.

lately, i have been seeing and hearing friends, coworkers and high school acquaintances getting engaged or having babies. it's really been throwing me for a loop. while i am so happy for them, i just can't wrap my head around the fact that i'm we're at that age where all of that is finally acceptable. i'm not ready. or maybe i am, and i'm just too scared. i don't know.

i compare myself to others more than i would ever like to admit. it's one of my worst flaws. other people's clothes, lives, money, education, relationships, pets, homes, jewelry, experiences - i wish i had it all. 

sometimes i don't know who i am. i mean, i'm almost 25 - shouldn't i know by now? i dream that living somewhere new, or experiencing a new culture will help me learn about myself more, but what if it doesn't?

my health has been a huge concern for me lately. i went to the doctor for the first time in almost five years, and it was so, so scary. it's going to continue to be scary, because i have more tests and appointments to go to. i hope i find courage.

i have been very weary about my career path as of late. you know the saying 'jack of all trades, master of none'? well that's how i see myself. in my creative life, i am a doing photography, blogging, event planning, designing, etc. i think i'm good at it all, but i also think i'm not great at any of it.

sorry if this was a downer post, but i am glad i got all of it off my chest. if you took the time to read this, thank you. and if you decide to do a post like this, please tag me in it - it's hard to lay all of this on the table for anyone and everyone to read, and i would love to give you support.